and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
