you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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