I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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