My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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