my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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