I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dick very happy bro
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
