I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Operation Purity has been aborted
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm at about main and main street
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
