By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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