Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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