You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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