I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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