remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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