This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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