ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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