During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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