I wish they made helmets for livers.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
