so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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