She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
