The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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