Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
