When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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