SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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