Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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