Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
