she woke up with a sticky ear
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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