I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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