I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
