just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
