Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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