i permit you to call me
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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