So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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