The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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