my phone needs a breathalizer
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
