If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
