I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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