we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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