why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
