There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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