He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
