I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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