Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
