I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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