Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
