Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
