If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
