every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
