It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
