dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
