at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
