I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
