I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
