Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
